There was a point in my mid-40s where I realised: I have so many games purchased on Steam, I will not live to play all of them, at least not unless I start going through them one by one… and not unless I stop buying a single additional game.
And, looking at my collection of films on physical media? The same may be true. I have a bit more of a fighting chance: my library of games on Steam is in part so large because once a game I’m even just mildly interested in is on sale for US$10 or less, I tend to buy it. Films still cost more, especially those highly addictive Criterion releases I can’t seem to do without. Still: I buy films at a higher rate than I watch the films I’ve bought. The same is definitely true for books.
And, frankly: when I realised the extent to which my backlog would survive me? I felt an unsettling sense of vertigo. (And, embarrassingly, I briefly hoped that by the time I’m old, there’d be a way to upload my consciousness into the cloud, where I would then spend eternity working off my backlog.)
Does everyone succumb to this sense of cultural-existentialist dread sooner or later, or at least those of us very much into films, books, games etc.? Ever since that moment of realisation, my anxiety about my backlog has been a frequent visitor in my mind. And how do I deal with it?
1. Denial: I’m only 50. I might grow to be 100, or older! And once I retire, I will have so much time on my hands! I’ll be able to watch all of those Criterion releases – and, more than that, I’ll be able to watch the extras! Plus, the games industry will collapse sooner or later, so I’ll also be able to catch up on all those games once I retire, because obviously video games are the best kind of entertainment for people in their 70s and 80s, because they don’t require finely honed motor skills at all! Plus, one or two speed-reading courses and I’ll be able to race through, oh, Finnegan’s Wake, right?
2. Anger: Why oh why can’t I have more self-discipline? Why do I feel I need to get every Criterion release that I’m in the slightest bit interested in – or, worse, that I feel obliged to get because it’s from a filmmaker, or country, or in a genre that I have largely ignored so far, something I should really amend? And why does Steam sell games that are this cheap anyway? Why did all of these companies and services, not to mention the filmmakers, authors and developers of video games, get me hooked? And now they profit off of my addiction? It’s not fair! It’s not right! It should bloody well be illegal!
3. Bargaining: So, here’s a proposition: you can get another Criterion disk once you’ve watched at least two. You can get another game once you’ve played at least two. It’s not difficult! And it’s in your own interest. Okay, you watch one disk, you get another one. Okay, that may be too strict. Here’s a suggestion: you consider giving Breathless another chance, and you can get that new release of The Man Who Wasn’t There. You can do it, man!
4. Depression: Immovable object, meet unstoppable force. I won’t be able to stop myself from buying more films and games and books, but I will not ever finish all of them. I will go to my grave without having seen, played, read them. Death, there’s thy sting: I will leave this earth leaving so many things unfinished, and in many cases even unstarted. As if death didn’t suck enough already! And I have to get up most days of the week and go to the office instead of working on my backlog, and all of this feeds my addiction even more, since getting a new book or film or game triggers a small release of endorphines. It’s a hamster wheel, a vicious circle. It’s enough to make you want to despair…
5. Acceptance: … except, I look at my shelves and I am happy to have that Agnès Varda collection and the graphic novel adaptation of Paul Auster. I have so much choice. I open Steam and I could pick from hundreds of games. Will I ever finish all of them? Will I watch all the films I’ve bought, let alone the on-disk special features? No, but… this may be silly, but they bring me joy. Having supported the filmmakers and game developers and authors is worth it. And an ever-growing backlog means I won’t run out of things to watch, play, read, or listen to. If that’s my dilemma, I can live with it.
Now, about those upcoming new releases on Criterion…
A Damn Fine Cup of Culture 